Remembering My Mother’s Life and Death and Discovering My Spirit

 

My Mom and I in 2003

In search of my mother’s garden, I found my own. Alice Walker

Yesterday was my mother’s birthday. Yes, the second birthday since she passed away last November. Because of the numbness and fog I created to survive the death and grief I immediately felt after her death, I was surprised by the major impact this second birthday. I have no need for excuses nor have a need to complain about a painfully sad experience of remembering but rather want to explain the incredible amount of gratitude I have for the experience and the joy the awareness brought me today.

I spoke of my mother and her birthday yesterday while co-facilitating a Hospice Grief Support Group. I wore her 1960s jewelry to encourage spontaneous interactions by those I met during the day. And I talked to her. Of course because we maintain our earthly personalities, when I wished her a happy birthday yesterday she did not want to focus the attention on herself. She joked and accepted the wishes and gratitude I felt for her but she minimized the importance of that day in regards to her. I accepted the short exchange as that was typical for our conversations since her death but I was caught off guard by what occurred today.

My son Tyler not only knew from a very early age that his grandmother’s death was going to have a profound effect on his life; he pondered the effects he might experience at many points in his life. He knew that the strong connection he and his brother had with her was building a foundation of who he was and would become. He said she taught him the religion of taking the high road by her demonstration of making the high road look more attractive than the low road: he had a choice to be good and do good to and for others and to be cognizant of what was happening inside of him. To say that she also affected my life is an understatement.

Although I knew my mother’s death was a fundamental turning point in my life for awareness’s about life, death and living, I needed a yardstick to demonstrate the learning. It took celebrating her second birthday after her death to recognize the significance of the relationship with my mother. Using the barometer of time, I was able to recognize how her death was a turning point in my life emotionally, psychologically, cognitively and spiritually.

I can’t count the number of times I thanked God for her over the last two years as well as the previous ten years in which we experienced the journey through Alzheimer’s Disease with her. Because of the relationship we agreed to in this life, I had many lessons to learn with her and many of them have come to fruition as I have acknowledged them since her death. But, the greatest lesson that death has offered me is the gift of spirit; restoring mine to recognition and appreciation and demonstration of the full impact that it (spirit) can have on anyone living this physical life.

Spirit is who we really are. (Not the physical “who we are”!) It is what makes you feel alive, what animates you and what activates YOU the Self. (With a capital S) When you live in your spirit (not in your grief, your current circumstance, your job, your relationship, etc) it brings the light into you and you can radiate it out. It allows you to open up your heart stuff. It changes powerlessness to self power. It allows you to feel in control of you.

The cycle and benefits of living in your spirit are endless: open up your spirit and you open up your heart. Open up your heart and you allow yourself to see your path. Activate your path and you will feel your power. Feel your power and you will never be powerless over anything in your (physical) life. Feel your power and you continue to shine your light in the world and it radiates back to you…

I have control over the circumstances in my life because I recognize and live my spirit. And this was a result of my relationship with my mother. Yes, she provided me with nurturing, life skills, the principles and mechanisms of heredity as my mother. But, by her example of who she is, (continues to be in spirit) and the lessons she planned in this life taught me to rediscover my Self (my spirit) and the importance of living this life to learn our lessons. She helped me remember the light in me.

And this is why my mother was my first gratitude mentioned when I stepped into the shower this morning and said my thank you with a lump in my throat…. Wishing you birthday awareness’s…. Chris


PS: Looking out my window after finishing this I noted her acknowledgement and smiled. There were two mourning doves walking on our patio under my window...she loved doves and hummingbirds...