A Deceased Child’s Birthday Present

 

Congratulations on a job well done, Zac!

Part of the process (of rebirth) is the growth of a new relationship with the dead…that veritable ami mort Saint-Exupery speaks of. Like all gestation, it is a slow, dark, wordless process. While it is taking place one is painfully vulnerable. One must guard and protect the new life growing within ---like a child. Anne Morrow Lindbergh


How can I thank him for the birthday present he gave me on his birthday? We always shared our birthdays as his was the day before mine. But this year was so different. In years past I have celebrated him in a variety of ways: taking cupcakes to my office, taking cupcakes to the ER as I sat with my mother on his birthday, sending a huge bouquet of balloons skyward as a party for him but this year I memorialized him differently. I sat in gratitude for him. This was a gift of remembrance and gratitude for him as a child, as an adult and as the spirit who I have so come to love and cherish in the last eleven years.

Eleven years ago when we cleaned Zac’s apartment after he died, my husband thought it sweet that Zac kept his kindergarten diploma. He brought it home, placed it in his office as a memento of Zac where it occupied space close to his own life achievement award certificates. But it shortly found itself on a shelf above my desk where it firmly planted itself. I have looked at that framed document daily now for many years but today it changed in appearance. Today the colors were more vivid, the smiles were bigger and the interpretation was different. I always noticed the hands…the hands waving, the hands on shoulders and the hands holding papers and crayons. But today, the hands were different too.

My perspective shifted. The drawing and frame had not changed but the message, the interpretation, my thoughts and feelings were different. I took time to review his life process (yes, it is still considered my grief process because it will be a life long journey but I chose to review his life prior to his death also), where I am today, how I got here and where I am headed now.

That kindergarten diploma change when I viewed it today but that diploma also changed me. I am a different person since placing it on my desk. I knew that I had become a different person as the result of my grief process and the learning gained from it. But today I looked at that diploma and knew the overwhelming gratitude I felt was the gift I could give Zac this year. Yes, I do thank him quite often for his help, advice, comfort and direction in our current relationship but stopping to contemplate him today was different. I understand that many people would not be in a position to “thank their deceased child” as their bereavement would not allow that just as I could not have done so earlier in my grief. But my life’s transformation has made the thought process change.

But this is not all about me. This is about my son, his afterlife agreement with me and the gifts he gave me while he was in his physical life as well as since he has been in spirit.

Zac graduated a long time ago. It just took me a bit longer to trust this journey. He helped me learn to celebrate life rather than grieve it and that my rebirthing process would move from being out of control to learning the lessons we planned. He helped me face my life lessons through noticing, awareness and trusting my world. He supported and guided me while I learned about trust, love and all the gifts that can be received by accepting the mystery of life. Zac’s gift to me was beyond anything I could have imagined touching my life.

I was blessed to have two wonderful sons. (Yes, I say I HAVE two sons) Today is my youngest son’s birthday and I am so grateful for him. My gift to him is my overwhelming gratitude for sharing life and lessons with me. Happy Birthday Zac!

I hope you all recognize the gifts in your life and choose to open your heart to trust them… Chris