Daily Gratitudes: A Useful Tool in the Grief Journey

 

An aluminum Christmas tree, in case you have never seen or used one...

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

I got up yesterday morning, not unlike every other morning in which I get into the shower and complete my gratitude check. But yesterday was different because my three daily gratitudes seemed to sum up my life and grief journey.

I have been on this grief journey for eleven years but I’ve also been saying my gratitudes for almost that long. I realized that stating my gratitude first thing in the morning in the shower was a very appropriate thing to do because I found it was one of the best tools to guide me through the helplessness and hopelessness of grief. Moreover, by creating a daily ritual, it helped me recognize where I was along the way in my journey.

My gratitudes vary from day to day but on the surface, today’s acknowledgements were quite basic. Although primary gratitudes, they seemed to touch the core of who I am. The gratitudes I mentioned yesterday were, I am grateful for:

1. My arms and legs
2. My sense of smell
3. My heart

#1. My arms and legs: I thought of the many people with disabilities who cannot shower by themselves which, I accept as a common everyday occurrence. (Yes, the warm water, its availability and my ability to access it have been on the list many times!) I am grateful not only that I can receive this daily pleasure but I am grateful for my arms and legs so that I am independent enough to enjoy these activities.

#2. My sense of smell: To many people, the sense of smell may be their least important sensory system due to the emphasis most often being placed on the senses of sight and sound. However, I have found that the sense of smell has elevated its importance after my grief journey began due to the nose to heart connection. This connection merges many memories of our past to deceased loved ones and events and solidifies them as heart memories. (This, our heart memories, is what is created and transformed from the early pain of grief) (IE: Zac and many other loved ones have verified their presence through various scents to validate and maintain connections from the other side) Therefore, due to the holiday season, I changed the automatic Glade sprayer in the bathroom to the scent of “Spruce It Up.” In the middle of my arms and legs gratitude, although I physically knew I was still standing in my shower, I was transported back over 50 years ago to my grandmother’s house.* My heart memory envisioned my mother herding together my siblings, my cousins and I to open the Christmas gifts. After savoring the sounds, sights and smell of those long tucked away 1950s memories, I completed both #1 and #2 gratitudes.

#3. My heart: My last gratitude was not only for the physical heart that was pumping blood and maintaining this physical life but that “I still had a heart.” Early in my grief journey I truly believed that I would not continue to have a heart as I did not believe I would “come out of this pain alive.” (Bereaved parents understand this thought) I make that statement with quotes because I remember hurting so deeply that I didn’t think anyone could survive that level of pain. (Although in early grief, many of us cannot relate to anyone else’s pain or grief) Many bereaved parents do not believe they are or will be able to endure the intolerable. But I found today that this very same heart that remembered those wonderful memories of Christmas trees and my mother from over 50 years ago also feels compassion, passion and empathy for those who are disabled. It is with that same heart that I can experience those feelings that help me know that I have moved along in my grief journey.

My morning gratitudes and my gratitude journal have been important and helpful tools in my grief journey. I can now understand their usefulness where in the beginning of the process I used them as a distraction from the pain. With time and building faith in a gratitude practice, I recognized the value of it in my life. When I became aware of the life changes, when I noticed and accepted these changes and when I trusted that life would continue, then I continued to transform and grow. With my gratitude practice and resultant changes, I feel more serenity living through grateful eyes than the physical ones. Where does gratitude fit in your life?
Calm holiday wishes to you…. Chris



* Interesting sidelight: My grandparents had one of those 1950s aluminum Christmas trees but my heart memory still linked the evergreen and Christmas scents to those events and people. Wonderful things the nose to heart connection can produce….