One does what one is; one becomes what one does. Robert von Musil, Austrian writer
This time of year many of us face the ritual of attempting to develop a New Years resolution. And, come Spring a variety of magazines will claim that many of us are not following through on our New Years’ proposals. The reasons vary because we are a society of individuals, our coping styles are diverse and our choices are numerous.
But this year I’d like to suggest looking at New Years resolutions from a different perspective. Instead of asking, “What one action am I going to take to improve my life” and then addressing weight, over-eating, smoking, exercise, limiting sweets, I propose looking at life – not just one component of, (and yes, you can take any of a number of tools to change your life) but to take responsibility for your entire life and make a choice that addresses your entire life.
I believe that for many people, particularly grieving parents and those in grief depending upon where they currently reside in their grief journey, may have difficulty understanding this proposition. I understand early grief (no bereaved parent can erase this memory) and the (need for and use of) anger, blame, apathy, disbelief, etc used in avoidance of making a life changing decision to move on the path of their grief journey. It is a decision we all need to make at one time or another in our grief: are we going to live for someone else –the deceased-or are we going to live for ourselves?... knowing that yes, our child, our parent, our spouse are still extremely important to us. Because we tend to believe that we cannot live without that loved one early in our process, this belief determines whether and when we can perceive the need for a different life decision. But, somewhere along the line, the decision has to be made that we can and will live without the loved one.
This decision does not necessarily mean we are accepting a “new normal,” it is accepting a new life because one’s life IS new. Your life IS new and IS going to be totally different without that loved one. It is a divorce in your life and a divorce changes a person. Divorce ends not only familiar relationships but severs the components of you. After a divorce the individual must ask who they are now, and discover who and how they are going to live from the death on. Then, one must focus on that new person (YOU) rather than the previous life before the death.
By no means does this decision necessitate forgetting the loved one because of the loss of their physical presence. The relationship has now moved to the heart instead of the familiar physical existence. One’s grief needs to move to the heart so that their own new life can move toward fruition- so the griever can realize the possibility of their new life.
Living after the new life choice may not be normal (who said “new normal?) and it may be a long time coming, but it will be a new life as it comes from new choices…new and different choices.
I encourage you to notice what those choices might be. Try to look through and see through different eyes – the eyes of the heart—they will help you make a different choice. As Zac said, “All things in time…” (9-28-06) Hopeful New Years wishes…Chris
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