When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries. Tibetan Buddhist saying…
One year ago yesterday I said good bye to my mother as she left this physical life. The memory of that passing some days seems like a short period of time and at other times it feels like she left many years ago. I started thinking about the differences between my son’s and my mother’s deaths on this anniversary. I do believe most parents who have experienced the death of a child would agree that there is a difference between any other death and the death of one’s child. At one year after Zac’s death I was still turned inside out and my life was still upside down and I had not yet righted myself. I believe that the death of a child rips apart the entire fabric of one’s being while the death of other loved ones affects different levels of who you are.
When Zac died eleven years ago, my changed life as if it had been hit head-on by a train. With my mother’s progression through Alzheimer’s disease, I continually rode an amusement park ride for 12 years. Zac’s death stopped me cold in my tracks. My previous life instantly ceased to exist in every conceivable way from the moment I was told he was going to die prior to removing his life support apparatus. The diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease allowed the family to “prepare” ourselves for the loss of her in our lives but it did not eliminate the painful process of letting go of her. Knowing this disease always results in ultimate death, the knowledge allowed us to understand her process of the loss of abilities, the decline in her overall functioning, the loss of the familiar human personality of our mother and the heartache of watching those processes was ever present for many years. Those elusive plaques and tangles in her brain progressively destroyed the person I knew as my mother and tested my abilities, skills, constitution and love in coping with her loss.
But parental grief compels a person to recognize and confront the loss in different forms and on a variety of fronts. The grief from a mother’s death is unique and the following are just a few of the defining components:
• The history of the family dies with a parent. Besides the personal relationship with them being severed, family dynamics change, there will be no more memories made that include the entire biological family and family history is permanently altered. No more family lore can or will be communicated, shared or verified. The challenge is to accept and rewrite the new history for the current generation and grandchildren.
• Roles change from adult child to mature adult caretaker. (roles may change during the caretaking period but a decision-maker role is established after the parental death)
• Regardless of a parent’s state before death, one has to accept the physical death. Forewarning of impending death due to a disease is immaterial at this point and separate from the actual death. Secondarily to this, when memories of the pre-illness parent returns, the loss of one’s “real” parent immerges and one has to transform that loss into memories of the “historical” parent.
• Regardless of whether a person has a solid belief in the afterlife and is relieved for their parent to have shed their broken body, one still has to break the bonds that were created between them to reach accept and transform their continuing life.
• Although one may be relieved of their caretaker role which absorbed much of their time and energy and affected their entire life, they need to reconcile those changes in their current life that are no longer necessary. Sometimes with the disappearance of the role, people question who they are and who they will continue to be without this parent’s needs.
Many people grieving the death of a parent will experience the above and possibly other experiences. The intensity, duration and experiences for grief are unique for all individuals. But the missing will continue. And I continue to miss my mother but, I am receiving some help with this to move through acceptance…
Missing: “You can’t miss that which you don’t have. When did you have it? It was not yours to have. It was yours to keep the piece of what you had, with you, where you can keep it. It is not yours to keep, what’s yours to keep is the lesson from that other” is a quote from a channeled message I received on November 2, 2011. (It shall be released soon)
The truth in my heart is that we will all see our loved ones again, very soon, (there is no time on the other side) but although I am a spiritual being having a human experience, I still have a human perspective. And, I miss the part of me that I had when I used to be with my mother…
Wishing you grace on my mother’s anniversary…. Chris
(I have had conversations with my Mother since her passing and she is doing quite well in her progression, is active and very quickly regained her cognitive abilities!)
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